The first time I made a decision if I want to live my life the way I want, I can’t stay with my family.
9 years ago, my dad shouted at me because I was not studying for my O levels. He said to me – “if you don’t study, you become dumb. If you’re dumb you’ll end up having a dumb husband as well”. Writing this now, I understand where he’s coming at but as a 16-year old, I had the first panic attack of my life that night.
From my experiences talking to many Indian/Asian children, bring open about my own experiences, I realised later on that parents say the worst things to their children. So what he said to me is considered to be normal — something that should just go pass like any other day.
Regardless, what he said to me did and still does hurt. In my head, my dad was this progressive man, in this oppressive society and he worked hard to get his kids to get the best education by coming to Singapore. But that day what I realised was that he was disguised as a progressive man and still conventional when it came to his daughter — that she is a burden and will have to go into a family as a wife.
Some may think, that might be too far fetched. I also wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, since I was emotional. I did not want to be rash with any of my actions. Instead, I waited — for him to say sorry, for my other family members to do anything about it. Still nothing. I knew at that point I don’t even have an O level degree and I could do nothing that will be of any advantage to me, especially by leaving my house. I may have drowned into depression at that point in time, but I was adamant in being patient and genuinely hoping things would get better because I wanted to live.
Unlike my dad’s wishes, I did not get into a JC (Junior College) and went into polytechnic to do a diploma in Business Management. I expected nothing of it, and every decision on where my career should go from then on was decided for me — My diploma, my specialisation, my summer school programme, my bachelor’s degree.
This whole time I tried telling my wishes and what I am. But what I got back was — who I am is wrong and what I do is wrong. So I tried to find loopholes in everything I did, to get even the tiniest sense of happiness. However, it was never good enough.
As years went by, it just got worse as their now educated daughter can speak up for herself and they can’t control her the way that they want, which is nowhere near to what the Indian Muslim society has constructed a woman to be.
9 years later, I made a major decision for myself for the first time with a lot of fear and uncertainty. After getting a good enough job and finding a decent place to rent — I left.